I knelt on my bed, a crumpled knot of humanness,
Face buried in a pillow.
Heart feeling like raw flesh placed on a sacrificial altar.
I surrendered to obliterating pain.
I asked the Universe to get to the root of my resistance…
Why I still distracted myself.
Why I was attracted to toxic relationships…
Why I sometimes didn’t listen to my soul.
When we strip away our resistance,
The control ,
We are left alone to face our deepest wounds.
Like feeling unlovable,
Not receiving unconditional love from a parental figure.
I finally had the courage to face this exiled part of me.
To feel the colossal pain that screams:
“I will die!”
To press into the fear of being obliterated.
I am reminded of the childhood terror of the monster lurking in the dark in the closet or under the bed…
And yet, I open the ancient door,
I face this ancestral wound passed down from generation to generation in my family…
I witness & feel the existential pain.
Many moments, a part of me recoils, protesting, I can’t take it.
Sometimes, I slip into the vortex of despair…
Until I surrender & call upon Divine support…
A moment of lucidity saves me.
I step back & observe.
Giving myself permission to feel.
It wasn’t convenient.
I erupted in tears at importune moments.
At the grocery store,
In the ocean surfing…
In front of a group of peers on a zoom call.
Yet I wanted to detox this festering toxin in my body… to let it go!
For the courageous,
Falling apart can be a catalyst to letting go of control.
Which is an integral part of becoming free.
Because the Matrix (societal conditioning) is premised on control & manipulation.
And our control patterns keep us anchored in the Matrix.
[and the past year of healing from narcissistic abuse & studying the prevalence of narcissism in our society (and it’s linking to my research on colonial trauma)
revealed to me that the deeper issue is the Matrix control & the propagating trauma virus that destroys the family & the individual, until we acknowledge & harness the wound to awaken from sleep.
So the control & its effects on our society is prodding us to WAKE UP.
I am sharing this because I imagine
I am not alone…
We are transmuting this intergenerational trauma in our lineage.
We’ve got to strip down to the core wounds and bring them to the light,
We have got to face the control patterns in ourselves… that hide our deeper wounds.
Sometimes the process is messy,
However it also can serve us as we humble ourselves and ask for Divine support.
The act of surrender (or letting go of doing it “my way”) is the antithesis of control,
Surrender is a miracle balm & potent catalyst on our journey of awakening & ascension.
And it needs to be talked about more in the spiritual community.
Because it is not a sign of weakness,
But spiritual strength.
When we let go of control, we step into the unknown.
Which means we access the quantum where anything is possible.
💫 Evolve & Be Free 💫